i understand your angst. i too rack up the points of things owed. i'm still trying to figure out who exactly i owe for the massage money at con. Blondie tells me 'you deserved it, don't cheapen the gift" then smiles cuz he knows who i may or may not owe.
evil man.
just remember you have some very generous friends who don't grok how you see things. these friends are racking up the points of how much work, effort, love, etc. you give out to the universe. they gift you things because they feel you deserve something to make you happy.
its figuring out who is gifting freely that is extremely hard and sucky. letting ones guard down equals possibly (probably) getting hurt again.
be yourself, live by your code, and when presented with "free gifts" try and accept them as free If You Can, and feel comfortable enough at the time.
i've come to the point of asking some people point blank if its "freely given" so i can hold them accountable to it.
but thats just me. otherwise i will assume its a debt to be paid.

ok its almost 2am, i'm babbling at you. wish i knew how to bold text on LJ.
nighters and *hugs*