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The Slow and Skinny of it.
Aug. 28th, 2002 08:58 pmok...this is where i make decisions.
Item #1...Friendship. if you would like to stay my friend, say so now. if not, i will remove you from my list and be done with it.
Item #2...Psychosis. i have not now nor will i ever be psychotic. what i am is angry. i am not angry that a person became involved in someone i thought i liked and eventually found out that he was not for me. i am not angry that i fell in love with someone and everyone around me told me to "go for it" and then i fell on my ass when he said that i just wasn't his type and he went for a skinny girl that was already engaged. i AM angry that i dont have the money to do the things i want to do. i AM angry that i have been in a cast for the last 3 months and haven't been able to do what i would have liked to do for fear of injuring myself again. i AM angry that i feel like a burden on my friends because i live a MILLION MILES AWAY from civilization. i AM angry that my family is doing what they are doing and not realizing that it's not right. i AM angry that i can't control everything that is going on in my life. that is not PSYCHOSIS my friends...that is anger.
Item #3...Life. i haven't had a life since i moved to Las Vegas close to 4 years ago. i have felt like an outsider since i moved back over a year ago. i AM working on building new friendships with people at work in the hopes that i wont be alone on a saturday night again. it's not easy for me to do that since i've pretty much been a hermit for the last 5-6 years. i have become such an anti-social person that i can't seem to make social decisions again. it's not going to be easy to get back to where i was, and i will need some of my past friends around me to help me along. please be patient with me.
Item #4...Love. i haven't felt love since Brett left me close to 10 years ago. he slept with a hooker...1 week before our 3rd anniversary...in my bed. tell me that wouldn't make any woman feel like crap. i would like to fall in love again. it just seems that every time i try to do something that involves the opposite sex, i am told that that's not the way my life is supposed to go. i am told that i should be a lesbian and just get over men altogether. i can't unlearn something that's been normal for me for the past 12 years. i mean...i was a virgin until i was 21 and then i was date raped for my first time which was supposed to be "special" and with a "wonderful man". well...it wasn't. but that was years ago. sex isn't something that i'm searching for. i'm searching for someone who will be there for me emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. i just might have found that person. i'm not going to be pushing anything until i think the time is right. and then if the feeling is not mutual...so be it.
Item #5...Spirituality. i was born and raised Catholic. that is a part of me and will never go away. i trust in God to do what He needs to do to make my life go the way He has planned. at one point in my life, God hurt me...just like most of my friends have at one time or another (save one). He took away someone that was dear to me and someone that was supposed to take care of my soul. i'm talking about my Godmother Teresa. she had heart bypass surgery and was given infected blood. this was during the 80's when everyone thought that AIDS was simply a gay disease. well now we all know different. and if we had known that at that time, she might still be with us. but she's not, and here i am to fend for myself spiritually. this is the reason i became involved in wicca. it gave me something to believe in, and still gave me the opportunity to eventually renew my trust in God (the Catholic God) when i had sorted out things in my head. now mind you some of you will be angry with what i'm saying here. "how can she be Catholic and Pagan at the same time???" well...most of the Catholic mass is just Pagan tradition with a twist. and we are all made in SOMEONE's image...so why not believe that more than one person is involved in those images. i mean even God needs a day off right??? :o)
Item #6...Emotion. i am a water sign. i am ALL emotion. that's who i am. i'm sorry that you dont get it or can't handle it. there are very few who can handle COMPLETE EMOTION thrust onto them. a handful of people have lived to tell the tale. not even my family can handle the emotion that comes out of me. i know that i need to go to the water more than anyone else in my circle of friends. i plan on doing more trips to the beach, more trips to the pier, perhaps even to the southern part of the coast. i NEED the water to calm myself down. my emotions are in tune with the moon...truth be told. if you see that it's a full moon or close to it...you might want to back away. i'm sorry if you can't handle it, but that's the way it is.
Item #7...Need. i NEED people. i need my cat Loki. i need to be needed. i need to have the community that i used to feel when i was in the Rocky, when i was involved in the Vampire LARP, when i was involved in the dance studio. if anyone here can give me a hint as to how to regain that sense of community, i would LOVE to hear it.
if you're still reading after all of that, i thank you. if you dissappeared somewhere in the middle ::shrugs:: then you were never willing to listen in the first place. i am trying to get my life together, but you have to realize that it took close to 5 years to tear it apart...it's going to take at least that to put it back together, and yelling at me isn't going to pull me back...it's only going to drive me further away. i know that goes both ways, but when someone starts yelling at me i AUTOMATICALLY start yelling back. that's the italian way. if you're not being heard...yell louder. what i really want to do is go to the highest mountain and yell "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN WITH WHAT I HAVE!!!!!!" if anyone here thinks that they can help me get back to the J9 i once was...i would appreciate the advice. but for now...i'm sorry...if you want to be my friend...this is who you're stuck with. take it...or leave it
Item #1...Friendship. if you would like to stay my friend, say so now. if not, i will remove you from my list and be done with it.
Item #2...Psychosis. i have not now nor will i ever be psychotic. what i am is angry. i am not angry that a person became involved in someone i thought i liked and eventually found out that he was not for me. i am not angry that i fell in love with someone and everyone around me told me to "go for it" and then i fell on my ass when he said that i just wasn't his type and he went for a skinny girl that was already engaged. i AM angry that i dont have the money to do the things i want to do. i AM angry that i have been in a cast for the last 3 months and haven't been able to do what i would have liked to do for fear of injuring myself again. i AM angry that i feel like a burden on my friends because i live a MILLION MILES AWAY from civilization. i AM angry that my family is doing what they are doing and not realizing that it's not right. i AM angry that i can't control everything that is going on in my life. that is not PSYCHOSIS my friends...that is anger.
Item #3...Life. i haven't had a life since i moved to Las Vegas close to 4 years ago. i have felt like an outsider since i moved back over a year ago. i AM working on building new friendships with people at work in the hopes that i wont be alone on a saturday night again. it's not easy for me to do that since i've pretty much been a hermit for the last 5-6 years. i have become such an anti-social person that i can't seem to make social decisions again. it's not going to be easy to get back to where i was, and i will need some of my past friends around me to help me along. please be patient with me.
Item #4...Love. i haven't felt love since Brett left me close to 10 years ago. he slept with a hooker...1 week before our 3rd anniversary...in my bed. tell me that wouldn't make any woman feel like crap. i would like to fall in love again. it just seems that every time i try to do something that involves the opposite sex, i am told that that's not the way my life is supposed to go. i am told that i should be a lesbian and just get over men altogether. i can't unlearn something that's been normal for me for the past 12 years. i mean...i was a virgin until i was 21 and then i was date raped for my first time which was supposed to be "special" and with a "wonderful man". well...it wasn't. but that was years ago. sex isn't something that i'm searching for. i'm searching for someone who will be there for me emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. i just might have found that person. i'm not going to be pushing anything until i think the time is right. and then if the feeling is not mutual...so be it.
Item #5...Spirituality. i was born and raised Catholic. that is a part of me and will never go away. i trust in God to do what He needs to do to make my life go the way He has planned. at one point in my life, God hurt me...just like most of my friends have at one time or another (save one). He took away someone that was dear to me and someone that was supposed to take care of my soul. i'm talking about my Godmother Teresa. she had heart bypass surgery and was given infected blood. this was during the 80's when everyone thought that AIDS was simply a gay disease. well now we all know different. and if we had known that at that time, she might still be with us. but she's not, and here i am to fend for myself spiritually. this is the reason i became involved in wicca. it gave me something to believe in, and still gave me the opportunity to eventually renew my trust in God (the Catholic God) when i had sorted out things in my head. now mind you some of you will be angry with what i'm saying here. "how can she be Catholic and Pagan at the same time???" well...most of the Catholic mass is just Pagan tradition with a twist. and we are all made in SOMEONE's image...so why not believe that more than one person is involved in those images. i mean even God needs a day off right??? :o)
Item #6...Emotion. i am a water sign. i am ALL emotion. that's who i am. i'm sorry that you dont get it or can't handle it. there are very few who can handle COMPLETE EMOTION thrust onto them. a handful of people have lived to tell the tale. not even my family can handle the emotion that comes out of me. i know that i need to go to the water more than anyone else in my circle of friends. i plan on doing more trips to the beach, more trips to the pier, perhaps even to the southern part of the coast. i NEED the water to calm myself down. my emotions are in tune with the moon...truth be told. if you see that it's a full moon or close to it...you might want to back away. i'm sorry if you can't handle it, but that's the way it is.
Item #7...Need. i NEED people. i need my cat Loki. i need to be needed. i need to have the community that i used to feel when i was in the Rocky, when i was involved in the Vampire LARP, when i was involved in the dance studio. if anyone here can give me a hint as to how to regain that sense of community, i would LOVE to hear it.
if you're still reading after all of that, i thank you. if you dissappeared somewhere in the middle ::shrugs:: then you were never willing to listen in the first place. i am trying to get my life together, but you have to realize that it took close to 5 years to tear it apart...it's going to take at least that to put it back together, and yelling at me isn't going to pull me back...it's only going to drive me further away. i know that goes both ways, but when someone starts yelling at me i AUTOMATICALLY start yelling back. that's the italian way. if you're not being heard...yell louder. what i really want to do is go to the highest mountain and yell "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN WITH WHAT I HAVE!!!!!!" if anyone here thinks that they can help me get back to the J9 i once was...i would appreciate the advice. but for now...i'm sorry...if you want to be my friend...this is who you're stuck with. take it...or leave it
