i'm done (open because i want everyone to see what i went through)

[lokizmom]

you can beat me up as much as you want. you can hurt me with the words that you put on paper. you can kill me with conversations behind my back. i dont care. you've already done the damage. there's no going back now. i will never be able to talk to any of you again. it hurts. more than you know. it hurts that no one will listen to my words. that people will believe what others say that might not be the whole story. funny how things get changed around to suit other people's needs.

let's talk about last night....about being brought to the emergency room because they thought i might have a stroke from my BP being 220/120. i explained to them that this was "normal" for me, and they brought me there anyway. they took it again...190/135. still "normal" for me. eventually the bottom number got down to 109 and they were satisfied that i would be ok, but not until after i almost made a bet with the nurse... i bet her 50 bux...she thought that i was close to stroke, but i told her i would bet her 50 bux it wouldn't happen. white coat syndrome. 5 times they had to take my BP until they were ok with it. then they walked with me into the psych ward. i started having flashbacks. i tried to stop them but they wouldn't go away. they told me i had to sit in a room and the door would be barely open. in that room was a bed with straps on it. i started panicking. i told them i couldn't be in that room. they said i had to. i stood at the door with my head on the wall and started crying. i was having a serious panic attack. i couldn't be there. i cried harder and harder because i kept remembering what happened 7 years ago. i wasn't crazy. i wasn't crazy! they explained to me that i had to sit down because there were other patients in the ward. i could SEE on the camera that NO ONE was in the other rooms! i was hyperventillating! i couldn't be in that room. the flashbacks became more and more real. then i flashed to the episode of L&O CSI where bobby was strapped to the bed and couldn't get anyone to listen to him. i started crying harder and eventually they understood. they brought a chair and told me that i could sit in the doorway, but that they needed to close the door. i told them i couldn't be there! i wasn't crazy! all i wanted was someone to listen to me! i wasn't going to kill myself because i was told that i couldn't 7 years ago. eventually barbara (nurse) came in and started talking to me and calmed me down. it took a while. she understood because i told her about what happened before. eventually we started talking about what had happened and i explained it to her.

when i was talking to barbara at peninsula last night she said the same thing that i've always said "you just need someone to listen to you". i couldn't believe that someone understood what i was trying to say. it made me cry so hard. that someone understood what it meant to be living with an alcoholic parent. she asked me how i dealt with it. i told her i hide. that's the truth. i hide until everything comes to a head and then it all comes out in one gigantic explosion. YOU...dont get that. YOU dont see what i'm dealing with. YOU dont live here on a daily basis. YOU never had to be the one who was a replacement. YOU...ALL OF YOU...will never understand how much it hurts. yes you could put YOUR experience out there on the line and say "but i went through the same thing"...you didn't. you haven't lived my life. you're right...i WASN'T poor. i DID go to a good school. i DID get most of what i wanted. but with all of that came the embarrassment of my mother. and YES she has control over me. i OWE her a lot of money. until i can get that paid off, it will ALWAYS be over my head. she will ALWAYS bring up the fact that i lived here mostly rent-free for months when i was at school. she will ALWAYS bring up the fact that i moved to LA with HER money...i moved to vegas with HER money...that i moved to sacramento with HER money...that she had to bail me out yet again with HER money to get me back to the bay area because i couldn't handle sacramento anymore. i'm always going to be the one who put her into the poor house. it's ALWAYS going to be my fault until SHE can get the help she needs. SHE needs it...more than i do. yes i need it to, but we already established that.

another thing that i was asked last night was "have you thought about going to ACOA meetings?" my honest answer to her was "i choose not to make time to go". barbara praised me for being honest, and then told me i have to make the time. we talked about the room i live in. she suggested i needed to get out and get a bigger window. everything came out. we talked a lot. she seemed to understand. when she was satisfied that i was ok, she told me that she needed to talk to the doctor and get a release. it would take a little while, but it would happen. there's nothing wrong with me...i just need someone to listen...which is what i had been saying the whole time. when she came back and told me what the doctor said...i listened. he wanted to put me on meds...i told her i didn't want to because i knew i couldn't remember to take them. he said i should see a therapist (not a shrink 'cos that's not going to work)...i told her that now since i have blue cross i could more than likely do that. she went to get the paperwork that was filed on me and it said that i tried to shoot myself. i laughed a lot and then said "i dont like guns...there's no fucking way i could POSSIBLY shoot myself. these people are idiots." so you see how things can change from "she said she wanted to die" to "she was going to shoot herself and she said she had nothing to live for" OH COME ON PEOPLE! give me a FUCKING BREAK! i have my cat...i have my niece (although i honestly dont think that she's going to look at me the same way again)...i have people in other states that are concerned about me. i have a few people here in my circle that care about me...the number is few, but i believe they are honest. i HAVE a reason to live... i just dont want to live HERE!

if i were to leave, that would take $600+ away from the family money. where are they going to make that up? vidal? he doesn't work! he's CLINICALLY SCHITZOPHRENIC! DIAGNOSED with it. he CAN"T WORK! he takes money AWAY from my sister every time he gets money for T that should be going to my sister. give me a fucking break! *I* am not the crazy one. but that's ok because once i find a place to move out to, he can have my room. he can live here with his new family and sponge off of my sister all he wants. they can be one big happy family just like my sister wants. she'll never admit to it, but there it is...in black and white. she wants him to be a part of her life as much as she wants him to be a part of T's life. she was jealous that N got him. she'll never admit to that either.

ok this rant has gone on to a whole other level. YES this is MY journal. YES i can say what i want. if you dont like it or you think that i've soiled your perfect existance...GET OVER YOURSELF!

Comments

[sylvan.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you found someone to listen.

I wish you would listen, too.

I love you. I care about you deeply. We both feel the other doesn't hear what the other has to say.

I truly hope this means you can get what you need, even if it costs me you.

I also truly hope that in the future that if you don't intend to kill yourself, you won't tell people you are going to.

You should also know that you can speak to people, you are just choosing not to.

I love you, but for now I need to step away.

[lokiz-mom.livejournal.com]

You should also know that you can speak to people, you are just choosing not to.
it's not that i'm choosing not to...it's that apparently i'm not speaking the same language.

[steeleheart.livejournal.com]

You are right, even had I had the alcoholic parent and a very similar family life that you did, I could never say that I understand what you are going through.

But I can say that I will try to understand where you are at in this moment in life, and what you are feeling. Even then, I know that I really can't.

But know that there are many out here that care about you. Some of us just don't speak up as often as we should.

With that said. If you need to talk, drop me a line.

*HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

[lokiz-mom.livejournal.com]

thank you honey. your hugs are always welcome and very very calming. the purring in my ear doesn't do any harm either. **sigh** good memories.

[steeleheart.livejournal.com]

Purrs in your ear are free. As is the hugs.

Are you going to be able to make it to the BBQ? If so, would love to see you there. We can talk.

[lokiz-mom.livejournal.com]

i'll be there for a short time. i have tickets to BFD concert on the same day, and i really want to see atreyu

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Sorry for what you went through but I'm glad you found someone who listened.

Three things

[themanabides.livejournal.com]

1. Good for Barbara for praising you for being honest. Regardless, you need to change the choice you've made about ACOA.

2. There's a monologue from "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" that I particularly believe in, delivered by Sidney Poitier's character to his father. I think it applies in regard to your mother (or anyone's parents, really):
"You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that [mail]bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules."

3. Because I'm coming late to the party, I don't know everything that's been happening.

Re: Three things

[lokiz-mom.livejournal.com]

3. i would have to link you to several posts and it would take a long time to read. suffice it to say that sylvan has walked away because he feels i'm being abusive to him.

2. i think that i've heard that once before. excellent words to remember....

1. i *know* i need to change that choice. i also need to change the way my brain works, but it's been working this way for 40 years and it just can't change over night. cheri and i have had this conversation many many many times ad nauseum.

Re: Three things

[themanabides.livejournal.com]

I was going to write more on #3, but fell asleep with the kids when I put them down, and I guess Cheri posted (or LJ autoposted) what I had finished.

What I meant to add was that Dan lived with his parents all his life, complaining bitterly well into his mid-30s about how they expected him to follow their rules. Whenever he griped about the fact that they had essentially taken over the task of raising his daughter and were doing so in a manner that he objected to, I always pointed out to him that he had basically given up and let them. When he bitched about not being able to move out with his kid because of expenses or his hearing problems, I pointed out that he was constantly buying frivolous crap and that deaf people (even single deaf people) raised children all the time.

And on the day he called me from a public park in San Bruno while I was in San Francisco, telling me tearfully "I don't think I can go on any more," my first call was to the police, and my second to his parents. No, he hadn't explicitly said "I'm going to kill myself," but I wasn't going to take the chance, because although I knew there were countless things he still wanted to do with his life, people sometimes make mistakes. The only thing that kept me from speeding out there myself from San Francisco was that I didn't have my car with me. I loved him like a brother, so the shame, embarrassment and imposition that call caused him meant nothing to me compared to what I knew his friends and family would go through if he actually did it, to say nothing of what he would miss in subsequent years.

As I wrote, I don't know your whole story. But sometimes people need a break from each other, even the best of friends. Whether that's because one or both don't feel they're getting the support they need from the other, or because they're not communicating well or for reasons outside the relationship that are completely unrelated to the other person. If you want Sylvan (or anyone else)to respect your desires and decisions, you need to respect his, too.

Finally, about changing the way your brain works? No, that can never happen overnight. As the cliche goes, one step at a time. Unfortunately, many of those steps often have to be painful ones (like losing the ability to see your niece -- or in my case, living apart from my own daughter) to get to the results you desire. I'm depressed because I left a $50K/year job with nothing else lined up and we're about to go on food stamps because I still haven't found new employment. But you know what? My stomach doesn't hurt any more. I don't feel ethical quandaries about my part in the company's poor treatment of its customers. I don't have to deal with my jackass bosses any more. And our near-poverty status will pass at some point.

I know not everyone can be as relentlessly positive as I force myself to be in the face of adversity, but life doesn't change unless you make it.

Now let me get down off of this soap box and give you a hug.

Re: Three things

[mikeseyes.livejournal.com]

I have purposely stayed away from your journal for the purpose of allowing you a place to vent -- but it's been a week and you have seemingly assumed that all is better :-) It is not -- we are hurt -- you are still hurting -- it is desperately obvious to all of us but when we open our mouths the worry and hurt comes out as anger and disappointment. I can only imagine what your online friends think of your family and I can only hope that someday (like sylvan) they will see that some but not all of your opinions are on target. None of us are perfect -- All of us are living with alcohol and smoking which we HATE -- but there was a time when expressing your opinion was just that -- an opinion! Now it appears that opinions expressed are the ONLY truth! I've copied a post from one of your friends -- It 100% expresses what I felt when I was called for the second time that you were threatening suicide. AND FOR THE RECORD when I called the PD I specifically said -- "She says she's going to put a whole in her head but the reality is she hates guns, she hates violence I can't imagine that she could physically hurt herself but I'm not willing to take the chance with her life -- It is too important to too many people." I hope you continue on your road to self-discovery -- if that leads you to choose to move out know that this is your choice -- we don't want it -- yes it would make things a struggle but if it helps you then go for it -- JUST don't call and ask for us to bail you out -- If you choose it -- Own it! No Vidal will not take your place -- he needs to get his own shit together and my sex life (or lack there of) is none of your business. I didn't get to express my opinion outloud about your sexual partners =-- your opinion of mine does not matter to me. Sorry I kept this in for so long -- but I honestly felt it needs to be said -- Here's the passage from themanabides that for me says it all....


"And on the day he called me from a public park in San Bruno while I was in San Francisco, telling me tearfully "I don't think I can go on any more," my first call was to the police, and my second to his parents. No, he hadn't explicitly said "I'm going to kill myself," but I wasn't going to take the chance, because although I knew there were countless things he still wanted to do with his life, people sometimes make mistakes. The only thing that kept me from speeding out there myself from San Francisco was that I didn't have my car with me. I loved him like a brother, so the shame, embarrassment and imposition that call caused him meant nothing to me compared to what I knew his friends and family would go through if he actually did it, to say nothing of what he would miss in subsequent years."

And also for the record -- I do not check your live journal with any regularity -- I haven't checked it in a year -- all of this has caught me off guard but none of it surprises me.

[gnowun.livejournal.com]

<<< HUGZ >>> (just cuz)

[jasonwarlock.livejournal.com]

I know we haven't really been close in a long time. our lives have gone different directions, and mine keeps me pretty damn wrapped up. I think it's funny that you labeled me as Yakko, the older sibling when, to be honest, I kinda looked up to you as a big sister for a long time.

I'm not going to pretend I can relate to what you are going through, because I feel each that person's pains and problems are unique. I will, however, say that I hope you can make things better, all around. Do what you have to do to take care of you. Lastly, you mentioned your niece won't look at you the same ever again, but you forget, children have an amazing capacity to simply love.

[medancer.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that I didn't... just listen, Janie. You asked, and my answer was selfish. I hope that you'll forgive me for that.

getting out...

[tlsthatsme.livejournal.com]

Getting out is a leap of faith.
Faith in your self.

You can do this!
You will find a way to make the money work for yourself, even when things are tight.

You have proven you are a survivor, because your still here with us.

You have proven you are capable, because you keep trying.

And the day you move out, your starting your life on your terms, what ever you need or want those terms to be.

(I've said this to myself many times, after a teary phone call to a friend. I know I need to get out, and get my kids out. I simply parent better. So I am not out yet, but, I have been following my plan very well...paying off/down bills, started looking for more pay, etc.It really does feel amazing.)

I am here, and love coming up with ideas/suggestions...like the below market rate housing list for getting your own place etc.

Let me know,
Tobi 408-799-9139