![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
you can beat me up as much as you want. you can hurt me with the words that you put on paper. you can kill me with conversations behind my back. i dont care. you've already done the damage. there's no going back now. i will never be able to talk to any of you again. it hurts. more than you know. it hurts that no one will listen to my words. that people will believe what others say that might not be the whole story. funny how things get changed around to suit other people's needs.
let's talk about last night....about being brought to the emergency room because they thought i might have a stroke from my BP being 220/120. i explained to them that this was "normal" for me, and they brought me there anyway. they took it again...190/135. still "normal" for me. eventually the bottom number got down to 109 and they were satisfied that i would be ok, but not until after i almost made a bet with the nurse... i bet her 50 bux...she thought that i was close to stroke, but i told her i would bet her 50 bux it wouldn't happen. white coat syndrome. 5 times they had to take my BP until they were ok with it. then they walked with me into the psych ward. i started having flashbacks. i tried to stop them but they wouldn't go away. they told me i had to sit in a room and the door would be barely open. in that room was a bed with straps on it. i started panicking. i told them i couldn't be in that room. they said i had to. i stood at the door with my head on the wall and started crying. i was having a serious panic attack. i couldn't be there. i cried harder and harder because i kept remembering what happened 7 years ago. i wasn't crazy. i wasn't crazy! they explained to me that i had to sit down because there were other patients in the ward. i could SEE on the camera that NO ONE was in the other rooms! i was hyperventillating! i couldn't be in that room. the flashbacks became more and more real. then i flashed to the episode of L&O CSI where bobby was strapped to the bed and couldn't get anyone to listen to him. i started crying harder and eventually they understood. they brought a chair and told me that i could sit in the doorway, but that they needed to close the door. i told them i couldn't be there! i wasn't crazy! all i wanted was someone to listen to me! i wasn't going to kill myself because i was told that i couldn't 7 years ago. eventually barbara (nurse) came in and started talking to me and calmed me down. it took a while. she understood because i told her about what happened before. eventually we started talking about what had happened and i explained it to her.
when i was talking to barbara at peninsula last night she said the same thing that i've always said "you just need someone to listen to you". i couldn't believe that someone understood what i was trying to say. it made me cry so hard. that someone understood what it meant to be living with an alcoholic parent. she asked me how i dealt with it. i told her i hide. that's the truth. i hide until everything comes to a head and then it all comes out in one gigantic explosion. YOU...dont get that. YOU dont see what i'm dealing with. YOU dont live here on a daily basis. YOU never had to be the one who was a replacement. YOU...ALL OF YOU...will never understand how much it hurts. yes you could put YOUR experience out there on the line and say "but i went through the same thing"...you didn't. you haven't lived my life. you're right...i WASN'T poor. i DID go to a good school. i DID get most of what i wanted. but with all of that came the embarrassment of my mother. and YES she has control over me. i OWE her a lot of money. until i can get that paid off, it will ALWAYS be over my head. she will ALWAYS bring up the fact that i lived here mostly rent-free for months when i was at school. she will ALWAYS bring up the fact that i moved to LA with HER money...i moved to vegas with HER money...that i moved to sacramento with HER money...that she had to bail me out yet again with HER money to get me back to the bay area because i couldn't handle sacramento anymore. i'm always going to be the one who put her into the poor house. it's ALWAYS going to be my fault until SHE can get the help she needs. SHE needs it...more than i do. yes i need it to, but we already established that.
another thing that i was asked last night was "have you thought about going to ACOA meetings?" my honest answer to her was "i choose not to make time to go". barbara praised me for being honest, and then told me i have to make the time. we talked about the room i live in. she suggested i needed to get out and get a bigger window. everything came out. we talked a lot. she seemed to understand. when she was satisfied that i was ok, she told me that she needed to talk to the doctor and get a release. it would take a little while, but it would happen. there's nothing wrong with me...i just need someone to listen...which is what i had been saying the whole time. when she came back and told me what the doctor said...i listened. he wanted to put me on meds...i told her i didn't want to because i knew i couldn't remember to take them. he said i should see a therapist (not a shrink 'cos that's not going to work)...i told her that now since i have blue cross i could more than likely do that. she went to get the paperwork that was filed on me and it said that i tried to shoot myself. i laughed a lot and then said "i dont like guns...there's no fucking way i could POSSIBLY shoot myself. these people are idiots." so you see how things can change from "she said she wanted to die" to "she was going to shoot herself and she said she had nothing to live for" OH COME ON PEOPLE! give me a FUCKING BREAK! i have my cat...i have my niece (although i honestly dont think that she's going to look at me the same way again)...i have people in other states that are concerned about me. i have a few people here in my circle that care about me...the number is few, but i believe they are honest. i HAVE a reason to live... i just dont want to live HERE!
if i were to leave, that would take $600+ away from the family money. where are they going to make that up? vidal? he doesn't work! he's CLINICALLY SCHITZOPHRENIC! DIAGNOSED with it. he CAN"T WORK! he takes money AWAY from my sister every time he gets money for T that should be going to my sister. give me a fucking break! *I* am not the crazy one. but that's ok because once i find a place to move out to, he can have my room. he can live here with his new family and sponge off of my sister all he wants. they can be one big happy family just like my sister wants. she'll never admit to it, but there it is...in black and white. she wants him to be a part of her life as much as she wants him to be a part of T's life. she was jealous that N got him. she'll never admit to that either.
ok this rant has gone on to a whole other level. YES this is MY journal. YES i can say what i want. if you dont like it or you think that i've soiled your perfect existance...GET OVER YOURSELF!
let's talk about last night....about being brought to the emergency room because they thought i might have a stroke from my BP being 220/120. i explained to them that this was "normal" for me, and they brought me there anyway. they took it again...190/135. still "normal" for me. eventually the bottom number got down to 109 and they were satisfied that i would be ok, but not until after i almost made a bet with the nurse... i bet her 50 bux...she thought that i was close to stroke, but i told her i would bet her 50 bux it wouldn't happen. white coat syndrome. 5 times they had to take my BP until they were ok with it. then they walked with me into the psych ward. i started having flashbacks. i tried to stop them but they wouldn't go away. they told me i had to sit in a room and the door would be barely open. in that room was a bed with straps on it. i started panicking. i told them i couldn't be in that room. they said i had to. i stood at the door with my head on the wall and started crying. i was having a serious panic attack. i couldn't be there. i cried harder and harder because i kept remembering what happened 7 years ago. i wasn't crazy. i wasn't crazy! they explained to me that i had to sit down because there were other patients in the ward. i could SEE on the camera that NO ONE was in the other rooms! i was hyperventillating! i couldn't be in that room. the flashbacks became more and more real. then i flashed to the episode of L&O CSI where bobby was strapped to the bed and couldn't get anyone to listen to him. i started crying harder and eventually they understood. they brought a chair and told me that i could sit in the doorway, but that they needed to close the door. i told them i couldn't be there! i wasn't crazy! all i wanted was someone to listen to me! i wasn't going to kill myself because i was told that i couldn't 7 years ago. eventually barbara (nurse) came in and started talking to me and calmed me down. it took a while. she understood because i told her about what happened before. eventually we started talking about what had happened and i explained it to her.
when i was talking to barbara at peninsula last night she said the same thing that i've always said "you just need someone to listen to you". i couldn't believe that someone understood what i was trying to say. it made me cry so hard. that someone understood what it meant to be living with an alcoholic parent. she asked me how i dealt with it. i told her i hide. that's the truth. i hide until everything comes to a head and then it all comes out in one gigantic explosion. YOU...dont get that. YOU dont see what i'm dealing with. YOU dont live here on a daily basis. YOU never had to be the one who was a replacement. YOU...ALL OF YOU...will never understand how much it hurts. yes you could put YOUR experience out there on the line and say "but i went through the same thing"...you didn't. you haven't lived my life. you're right...i WASN'T poor. i DID go to a good school. i DID get most of what i wanted. but with all of that came the embarrassment of my mother. and YES she has control over me. i OWE her a lot of money. until i can get that paid off, it will ALWAYS be over my head. she will ALWAYS bring up the fact that i lived here mostly rent-free for months when i was at school. she will ALWAYS bring up the fact that i moved to LA with HER money...i moved to vegas with HER money...that i moved to sacramento with HER money...that she had to bail me out yet again with HER money to get me back to the bay area because i couldn't handle sacramento anymore. i'm always going to be the one who put her into the poor house. it's ALWAYS going to be my fault until SHE can get the help she needs. SHE needs it...more than i do. yes i need it to, but we already established that.
another thing that i was asked last night was "have you thought about going to ACOA meetings?" my honest answer to her was "i choose not to make time to go". barbara praised me for being honest, and then told me i have to make the time. we talked about the room i live in. she suggested i needed to get out and get a bigger window. everything came out. we talked a lot. she seemed to understand. when she was satisfied that i was ok, she told me that she needed to talk to the doctor and get a release. it would take a little while, but it would happen. there's nothing wrong with me...i just need someone to listen...which is what i had been saying the whole time. when she came back and told me what the doctor said...i listened. he wanted to put me on meds...i told her i didn't want to because i knew i couldn't remember to take them. he said i should see a therapist (not a shrink 'cos that's not going to work)...i told her that now since i have blue cross i could more than likely do that. she went to get the paperwork that was filed on me and it said that i tried to shoot myself. i laughed a lot and then said "i dont like guns...there's no fucking way i could POSSIBLY shoot myself. these people are idiots." so you see how things can change from "she said she wanted to die" to "she was going to shoot herself and she said she had nothing to live for" OH COME ON PEOPLE! give me a FUCKING BREAK! i have my cat...i have my niece (although i honestly dont think that she's going to look at me the same way again)...i have people in other states that are concerned about me. i have a few people here in my circle that care about me...the number is few, but i believe they are honest. i HAVE a reason to live... i just dont want to live HERE!
if i were to leave, that would take $600+ away from the family money. where are they going to make that up? vidal? he doesn't work! he's CLINICALLY SCHITZOPHRENIC! DIAGNOSED with it. he CAN"T WORK! he takes money AWAY from my sister every time he gets money for T that should be going to my sister. give me a fucking break! *I* am not the crazy one. but that's ok because once i find a place to move out to, he can have my room. he can live here with his new family and sponge off of my sister all he wants. they can be one big happy family just like my sister wants. she'll never admit to it, but there it is...in black and white. she wants him to be a part of her life as much as she wants him to be a part of T's life. she was jealous that N got him. she'll never admit to that either.
ok this rant has gone on to a whole other level. YES this is MY journal. YES i can say what i want. if you dont like it or you think that i've soiled your perfect existance...GET OVER YOURSELF!
